NEWS YOU CAN ABUSE: The Dave Barry 2025 Holiday Gift Guide. This year, give the gift of: Huh?

Thus we can assume that the mood in the stable was already pretty tense when the three Wise Men showed up. The New Testament tells us that they brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Gold makes sense as a gift, but we have to wonder about frankincense and myrrh, which according to Google are kinds of tree resin, a “thick, sticky, semi-liquid substance” excreted by conifers. No doubt the thought was sincere, but this does not seem like a super-appropriate gift for a newborn infant. The last thing you want, as a parent, is for your baby to get his hands on a blob of tree goo.

The New Testament does not say how Mary reacted to these gifts, but if I know anything about women, by which I mean my wife, Mary was mortified that she didn’t have any gifts to exchange with the Wise Men, so she pulled Joseph aside and ordered him to go out immediately, find a conifer and bring back some gift resin. She probably also wrapped the gold in different paper and regifted it to the Wise Men. And thus the holiday tradition of exchanging gifts was born.

Thousands of years later, we’re still dealing with the stress of holiday gift-giving — the constant nagging worry that we won’t have enough gifts to retaliate against everybody who will be giving gifts to us. Wouldn’t it be great if you could drop out of this insane holiday competition? Well you can! The trick is to stop trying to give your loved ones thoughtful and appropriate gifts. Instead, you want to give them gifts that are so stupid or inappropriate that they will never want to exchange gifts with you again, and in fact may enter the Federal Witness Protection Program to avoid running that risk.

Where can you find gifts that bad? Right here, that’s where, in my annual Holiday Gift Guide. This is a carefully curated selection of real products that you can actually buy; in fact these products are all 100 percent tax-deductible if you write about them for business purposes in your professional humor Substack. So grab your credit card and prepare to be underwhelmed, because here comes this year’s lineup of gift candidates, starting with:

THE ORIGINAL TOILET MIRROR

Don’t be fooled by copycat toilet mirrors: This is the original toilet mirror, which is a mirror that comes with some adhesive strips so you can mount it on your toilet lid.

Needless to say, read the whole thing.

ICYMI: Bari Weiss Named a New CBS News Anchor, and the Response Is the Funniest News Ever.

Levi’s Men’s 505 Regular Fit Jeans (Also Available in Big & Tall). #CommissionEarned

THE TIPPING POINT: Democrat Congressman: Yes, the US Is the ‘Great Satan.’

Democratic Congressman Calls America 'The Great Satan' in Wild Rant https://t.co/Ran8yn47Nx

— Mediaite (@Mediaite) December 10, 2025

In a sane world, propagandists like Dean Obeidallah would try to find somebody a bit less retarded than Hank Johnson to make the moral case to his audience that Orange Man is being bad by killing terrorists, but we now live in a world where it is pretty normal for lefties to describe America as a Nazi country filled with roving bands of white supremacists killing brown people for sport.

Classical allusion in headline:

ZOOM: New Toyota MR2 Is Imminent, Could Be Sold Under the GR Brand.

NOT LOVING IT: McDonald’s Pulls Christmas Advert After Criticism.

The Netherlands’ division of McDonald’s has pulled its Christmas advert following online backlash over its AI-generated content.

The advert, which was titled “the most stressful time of year,” featured a number of AI-generated people who all experience mishaps in the lead up to the festive season, including an exploding Christmas tree and presents falling off roofs.

In an email shared with Newsweek, a spokesperson for McDonald’s Netherlands said: “The commercial was produced for McDonald’s Netherlands, but we have decided to remove our AI-generated Christmas advert.”

What To Know

The advert faced criticism after it was published and quickly went viral online.

Matt Walsh, a conservative political commentator, wrote on X: “It sucks. It’s awful. There’s no artistry. No wit. No charm. No warmth. No humanity. You can tell it’s AI from a million miles away. I hate it. You should hate it. We should relentlessly mock and deride and bully anyone or any company that uses AI like this.”

The visuals are cringe-inducing, and the message is even worse — why is McDonald’s dismissing the Christmas season as “the most terrible time of the year?”

LOLOLOLOL https://t.co/mMFaxofzLJ

— Justine Bateman (@JustineBateman) December 9, 2025

Merrill Markoe, David Letterman’s former longtime girlfriend and producer, who created the format of his classic NBC late night show, said a decade ago that the postmodern irony that Letterman trafficked in throughout the ’80s had become so omnipresent on TV that it was “the language of advertising and corporate P.R. now:”

It is the voice of what [musician Andy Prieboy of the rock group Wall of Voodoo, her longtime companion] calls “Your buddy the corporation.” Everyone’s hip. Everyone’s ironic. Everyone who is selling you something wants you to know they have the same limitations and daily strife that you do. You definitely should be wary when you hear this voice now. It’s not to be trusted. Unless you’re in the market for an aluminum cookware set or an Apple watch.

The new McDonald’s ad begs the question: How long can that style of corporate irony keep twitching away in the advertising world like a long-dead zombie?

In terms of its visuals, this is the second Christmas-themed AI-generated ad by a world mega-corporation that’s bombed. Will advertisers abandon this format in the short-term until AI becomes harder to detect, or at least smoother in its execution? Great Moments in Quality Control: Coca-Cola’s AI ad just ruined Christmas… again.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of AI:

BREAKING: TIME Person of the Year reportedly leaked. pic.twitter.com/oe3okxsXoZ

— Polymarket (@Polymarket) December 10, 2025

If true, Skynet, Hal, and Colossus are all flashing smiles that would make Gordon Gekko proud.

ANOTHER REASON WHY A “PLAGUE OF FROGS” ISN’T THAT BAD: Small Frog Takes On Deadly “Murder Hornets” and Wins.

FUN GIFT: LEGO Ideas Tuxedo Cat – Building Sets for Adults. #ComissionEarned

COVERUP: The Netflix ‘New Yorker at 100’ Doc Omits Russiagate, Kavanaugh Debacles.

SINGLE GUYS CONSIDER MOVING THERE: European country known for stunning women suffers drought of men — forcing would-be brides to ‘hire’ husbands for housework. “According to a recent report by Eurostat, Latvia boasts 15.5% more women than men – over three times the average rate in the European Union, according to local media.”

COLONIZATION, STRAIGHT UP:

“If a loving father wants to marry off his nine-year-old daughter to a righteous man and all parties consent, what is the issue with that?”

This is North Carolina btwpic.twitter.com/rorRlTvUeB

— Defiant L’s (@DefiantLs) December 9, 2025

JAMES MAY FINALLY DRIVES THE NEW PORSCHE 911T:

BREAKING: Trump Confirms the U.S. Has Seized an Oil Tanker in Venezuela

CHANGE:

Preliminary data on births and fertility show that Trump's mass deportation plan is working.

During Sept.-Oct., the number of foreign-born women having children in the U.S. declined in 41 states.

Free substack article here:https://t.co/dkWJeXGItQ pic.twitter.com/I8T18n3uIW

— Ryan James Girdusky (@RyanGirdusky) December 9, 2025

SOLID ADVICE: BUY. PHYSICAL. MEDIA. “My Blu-Ray edition of The French Connection is intact, but it’s also an older copy and not from Criterion. The unedited version is now restored on most streamers, but you can bet I’ll never let go of my Blu-Ray disc. You never know when some blue-haired Hollywood twentysomething will get it into their well-pierced head that grownups mustn’t be allowed to see anything that might offend xher genderfluid life-partner.”

SPRUCE UP YOUR HOUSE: 6×9 Area Rugs for Living Room, Bedroom. #CommissionEarned

THE CRITICAL DRINKER: Starfleet Academy — What Is This Garbage? “Is it too much to ask to have a Star Trek that was written by and for adults? Because I have to ask, who in this world or the next was this teen drama of a show made for? I mean, anyone with even a vague understanding of Star Trek is going to be completely and utterly appalled by the weapons-grade retardation on display here. And anyone who’s looking for a high school drama about feelings and relationships is going to be instantly put off by the geeky science fiction backdrop. It really does feel like the worst of both worlds.”

GUN OWNERS ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST: Jamie Dimon’s Claim That JP Morgan Chase Doesn’t Discriminate Doesn’t Pass the Smell Test.

SKYNET SMILES: Pentagon rolls out GenAI platform to all personnel, using Google’s Gemini.

THAT’S BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO SOCIALISM ON THE ROAD TO FULL COMMUNISM: In a Not so Shocking Move, Senate Democrats Refuse to Condemn Socialism.

DON’T SAY THAT LIKE IT’S A BAD THING: Trump’s attacks force Europe to speed up post-America defense plans.

Trump’s “threats,” as Politico insists on calling them, make war less likely, not more — assuming Europe follows through, that is.

FUN GIFT: LEGO Ideas Tuxedo Cat – Building Sets for Adults. #CommissionEarned

DAVID FRUM GETTING AN EARLY JUMP ON NEXT YEAR:

Begun, the stolen-election theories have. https://t.co/uYlJZGBqOZ

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) December 10, 2025

Hey, you know what would really help prevent Trump from stealing 2026? Who are You? Voter ID law and election integrity should be top priority in new Congress. Voters want it, and with good reason.

FASTER, PLEASE: New gene-mapping method unlocks hidden drivers of cancer.

DON’T GET COCKY:

Incidentally, where have you gone, Marty Peretz? TNR turns its lonely eyes to you.